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Hustlers and fiddlers

20 Jan, 2026
The Hamester
Rattle Bag

Reading the dictionary the other day - as you do - I came across a phrase that was new to me. "Bunnet Hustler" According to the Collins Dictionary, and I'm simplifying here ... a Bunnet Hustler is a middle class person that regularly...

Path, interrupted

10 Nov, 2023
The Hamester
Rattle Bag

I wish this one was a joke. In their haste to add more EV chargers in Brooms Road car park, ChargePlace Scotland has obliterated what was a safe, accessible, walking and wheeling route through the car park. For many people it's a...

The die is cast on the game board

18 Mar, 2024
The Hamester
Rattle Bag

Well that's it. The die has been cast. Public nominations for the Chair of the new Dumfries Town Board closed at 5pm yesterday and the full council will ruminate over who shall be appointed, making their final decision known on February...

A new slogan for Dumfries

17 Dec, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the rather lame appearance of hundreds of...

Aff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals

18 Jul, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam. In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch once again was able to add an international...

Another day, another cannabis farm

04 Feb, 2026
Ivy Prophen
Hame Truths

Another cannabis farm worth about £1 million was found by police in Dumfries making this about the 3rd or 4th in as many years. This time the stash was on the Vennel and it's clear now that doing up abandoned buildings is a growth...

Ayeman Toofaan - In conversation with

04 Dec, 2025
The Hamester
Hame Truths

A dinnae get it, ya'ani. So yer tellin me that every year, roon aboot the same time, this river floods aw the road an shops an hooses. It even gans up the vennel a bit. An this happens every year? See back in Idlib where am fae originally,...

Before I sputter out

Hello Mr Hamester and what can I help you with today? Lumbago I'll wager? Life is hard And so am I You'd better give me something So I don't die Novocaine For the soul Before I sputter out Before I sputter out Life is white And I...

BREAKING: Roads News

10 Nov, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A spokesperson for the department said they...

Christmas Appeal 2025

01 Oct, 2025
The Hamester
Hame Truths

We've aw seen it an look't awa; airtists that hing their works aw skewwhiff. It's a miserable sicht. At this time of year, please spare a thought fir aw they angularlly challenged paintings o birdies n leaves n coos hinging in aw the wee...

Columbus and the journey to opposite land.

It was Columbus day across the pond a couple of weeks ago. In recent years there have been moves to celebrate the indigenous people of the US alongside or in place of famous immigrant, Christopher Columbus. Trump - a renowned scholar of...

Cynic or sage? Battery factory is good news

Will the new Dumfries battery factory unleash the usual cynicism? Or are you ready to acknowledge good news? The motto of this newspaper is “Beware of cynicism dressed up as wisdom.” It’s a botched version of something said more eloquently...

Does anyone still wear a hat!?

09 Feb, 2026
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Noo that everyone and their strife is wearing wee docker caps again like it's 1982, I thought I'd break out some fashion tips from my stale old jar of things bygone. Right so here's the way things seem to be at the moment. The crusties are...

Don't skip the sunscreen

19 Sep, 2024
Heath Hall
Misconnections

Skipping Man, O Skipping Man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, Or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin care tips aren't Just for foreign...

People change their mind. Do they though?

Holding on to ideas and beliefs without examination and the willingness to change them is a rigidity that doesn't serve you well. One of the biggest societal changes that we've all experienced in recent years is the willingness for people...

Whitesands to Become a Normal Place

Yesterday afternoon the flood defence scheme was approved during a full meeting of the Council in which 23 councillors voted for the project while 19 voted against it. There are important lessons to be learned from this decade long saga,...

Crucial Vote on the Whitesands Flood Defences This Week

The week is upon us. On Thursday there will be a meeting of the full Council and on the agenda, the last chance to get flood defences for the Whitesands funded (mostly by the Scottish government). If the councillors vote against this...

Health and safety

12 Aug, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

In a recent session of Full Council chaired by Councillor Max High, Dumfries & Galloway set forward a plan to ban all walking and cycling on safety grounds. A transcript of said meeting follows. "Friends, Doonhamers, folk frae the hills...

How old is old enough to let go?

It’s a curious thing. We hold on to any building from the Victorian or Georgian era as if it were a precious newborn. Yet the Victorians themselves voraciously demolished buildings and monuments to make way for their new world vision....

Imagine if dictators backed down?

Living in a state of paranoia of your own making must be hell. It’s particularly ironic as it seems that personal freedom eventually is directly disproportionate to power. Saddam, Qaddafi, Ceaușescu all knew this. The chart very swiftly...

How's your muffin buttered?

~ Hello Hamester, do come in. What embarrassing ailments are we looking at today? ~ Well doctor, it's my .. ~ Just a minute. I need you to sit over there on the chaise longue. ~ Over there? ~ Yup. Over there. On the chaise longue, on the...

Letters: July 2023

23 Aug, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I don't recall ever writing such a story,...

Keepin it weird

21 Mar, 2023
Loose Bae
Misconnections

I saw you on the Sands; our eyes connected. You in your purple and aqua tracksuit break-dancing for Jesus, me heading to Crazy Cuts to post something for eBay - BTW why is there no proper post office in Dumfries town centre. I was pleased...

Lateral flow

Archie: Whit's that y've got there, A? The ither Archie: It's a box o they lateral flow tests fir the COVID. Archie: Aw ah thought y'd got me a box o Thorntons fir ma Christmas. Ye'v no got the COVID huv ye? Ither Archie: Naw, naw. There...

Be careful of myths you hold dear

Reform UK has won its first Council seat election in Scotland. I'm grateful that it wasn't here in D&G, though we came pretty close a few weeks ago in the Stranraer & Rhins by-election. It was bound to happen sooner or later. There has...

Mystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos

12 Jan, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La Isla Bonita" in broken Spanish. The...

New flood protection scheme announced

30 Aug, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the...

New secret audio archive uncovered

30 Aug, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries the council had launched an innovative...

Ode tae cycling on the low road

11 Aug, 2025
Chegwin Bronsmore
Potholes Are Just Friends You Haven't Met Yet

The braes aroon Shambellie are Sae steep they mak ye cower But I'd rather hae a heart attack Than some daft lad run me ower On the A710.

Recipe - Sugar free tablet

23 Aug, 2023
Marsha Stew
Aw Gad Naw

...

Remembering, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'

29 Aug, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of cult Gallovidian album, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'. The breakthrough album was the first of many that brought Galwegian crooning to the attention of the world. Although not from...

Sad news

Ave affa sad news the day. So I'll keep it short as am nae masel. Ma miniature Speyside Collie, Harrison Ford II, has passed on tae the muckle dog park abeen. Dinna get me wrang, he'd a rare life dingin aboot the cliffs and the fairy dell,...

Shop guardians

Archie: I wis up the toon wi Sandra the ither day cus oor Gillian's youngest, the arty farty yin, has stairted selling stuff in wan oh thay new shops in toon. The ither Archie: Oh aye, yiv got tae go up toon wi the missus noo and again huv...

SplatGPT. One wee step for gull-kind

We've been trying out the latest version of SplatGPT and it is superb. After a hard day raiding Iceland and nicking chips off numpties I often fly to the top of a building and put out a long call to my cousin, Steven Seagull, to see what...

The Leid’s Official

Happy St Andrew’s day beloved pee-wits. The Scottish Languages Act 2025 - legislation that officially recognises Gaelic and Scots as Scotland's official languages - comes into effect today. The Bill was passed unanimously (well there’s a...

The odd tale of Ben D Wullie

Aw man, uv been meanin tae tell ye aw about whit haipint t’me thitherday. Uv been on a 50 year trip ... ah'd been hallucinating oan this slice o Slimcea and cold meat wi the funny face on it. Ah woke up by the fountain. It's been...

Uglied up

25 Nov, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A wee bit ordinary ye might say. That's...

We don't use our democracy

We think we use our democracy, but we don’t. We talk about protecting democracy, but we talk about democracy like it's a listed building nobody has a plan for. We don’t compromise any more. We just go for the win. We don't even seem to...

We're Doonhamers

14 May, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

[With sincere apologies to Paul Whitehouse and the Fast Show team for a bad rendition of their "Cockneys"] Hiyaaaaaaa. We're Doonhamers. Born in the sound of Greyfriars, I mean, Western Orthodox Cathedral bells. That's right, we're Castle...

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