The odd tale of Ben D Wullie

Aw man, uv been meanin tae tell ye aw about whit haipint t’me thitherday.

Uv been on a 50 year trip … ah’d been hallucinating oan this slice o Slimcea and cold meat wi the funny face on it.

Ah woke up by the fountain. It’s been repaintit. Whit in the name of Alan Wells is goin oan?

So ah went straight to the Golden Bull to see if ma pals could explain where all the cars had gone. Naebody there, just some geezer called Gregg.

So it wis time tae get ma bearings. I needed tae ken if ah wis still trippin of if this wis ma new reality, ken? But everything wis gone. Binns gone, Pancake Place gone, Low’s gone, Prestos gone. The Pancake Place. The Pancake Place man, pancake niver hurt anyone. Whit’s gaun oan??

Ah headed to the Mid Steeple. Still wonky. Check. Peter’s chippy, thank god. Then it struck me, get a copy o the News Of The World, to check the date. Bollocks, where did Menzies go? Turns oot it’s 2024, but you ken that though cos yiv no been oan the longest Slimcea mould induced bender in history.

Ah’ve got tae admit it though, ah quite like this cos ye dinnae huv tae go upstairs in a big shop like C&A tae get a square sausage in a roll. Everyone’s at street level.

Queen’s deid, Hole i the Wa’s still there. That figures. Bloody hell there’s a whole cheese shop, jist fir cheese. That’s a lot a space jist fir baith kinds a cheese.

I’ll away doon the Vennel ah thinks. Get a coffee, let this aw sink in, kin? Fusco’s shut. Naaaaaawwwwwww. That’s where Penny worked, love o ma life.

Never mind eh, keep a positive mental attitude. I’ll head hame, get the bairn a toy fae Newall’s. Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

That’s it I thought, ah’m no pittin masel through ony mair pain. Ah just need tae accept whits gone cos ah wis never really aroon fir it aw onyway. So ah kept walking wi a bit o a spiring in ma step, ken, cos yiv gotta make the maist o whit yiv got, ken.

And there ah saw it. The Caul, roaring away like some auld roaster. Geed tae see ya, ma Nith. Maybe some things dinnae change aifter aw.