Vlad's two hour Town Hall

Yes, yes. Hello lovely Doonhamers. It’s your old pal Vlad. And I know I have a lot of fans here, because I am reading your Facebook. So where have you all come from tonight? Anyone in from Dumfries? Ha ha, yes of course.

Look, we need to talk. I seem to be losing some fans over here. Even the crazy MAGA Mericans are losing their traitorous streak and starting to support the other Vlad. But listen, Zalensky is only half the Vlad I am.

I’m going to share with you some secret Russian wisdom and will show you all what good guy is Vlad me, not Vlad him. Confusing I know.

I have come here to today’s town hall meeting to hear your views. I will now speak.

I give you listicle of Vlad’s Top Russian Tip To Be Man

1. If man sit on toilet after woman, man slowly turn into woman. Man should avoid sit on toilet for safety.
2. If man walk through Marx and Spencer women clothes department with his eyes open (Even one eye, peek-a-boo), man slowly tur n into vooman.
3. COVID does not exist, but even if it did, man would not get it, only woman, so don’t need to worry, guys.
4. Women really like men who tell them many, many things and never ask question.
5. Taxi drivers know everything, because they are man and woman cannot drive car with no crashes.
6. To attract nice Russia investment, buy church call it Catherdal. Like the cheese.
7. When invest, always let rich people buy shares first to be polite then wait until price goes up and then buy.
8. Definitely buy cryptocurrency and follow tip 6 here as well. Wait until rich people buy then when price go up you also can buy.
9. Listen to stranger on tvitter who give advice to buy cryptocurrency he suggest you buy. Because he is just being helpful and has nothing to gain from giving you free advices. I learn this one from good friend Mr Donald USA.
10. Polo shirt make you look fat. Don’t.
11. Watching new season of Ted Lasso make you turn into woman even quicker than sit on toilet.

But really I want to hear from you, this is democracy and today I am listening Vlad.

Nobody? Ok, I tell you another.

I hear Mrs Green’s is up for sale. Maybe I buy and turn into Mr Vlad’s Polonium Emporium. Yes, you love it I can tell. We only will sell special tea for drinking with special friends.

BTW if anyone knows of cheap house in Dumfries let old Vlad know. Asking for a friend that is thinking of moving soon …