Doric Techno Spaiver

I promised tae keep yis in the loop aboot developments at the Doric Technology Institute. Weel ah’ve a wee bitty news, but ah must confess, I feel like that loon that hid tae rin awa tae Russia fir leakin a that tap secret info. Fit’s his name again? Oh aye, Snowden.

So I gotta wee keek at an ither project DTI is developing. It’s very early stages, mind, but a wis shockit at the direction things are gan. Ain o ma loons pals is working oan the Bilingual AI Wearable Spaiver or BAWS fir short.

They opted fir it tae be bilingual fae the ootset as they’ve an een oan exports. Basically, if yer spaiver’s doon an yer wife nae aroon tae get black affrontit aboot it, ye’ll get an audio warning. Vibrating models are available fir the deif.

So how dis it work? What’s the grand tech ahin it aw. It’s simple genius really. The teeth oan yer spaiver create an electrical circuit if it’s shut. But as soon as it’s opened a wee countdown begins, like them bombs in the films. If the circuit isnae reestablish by daeing up yer spaiver in 3 minutes, it gangs aff in twa langagues.

“Flying low. Flying low. Attention. Flying low.” rings oot at a rate oh decibels. Meanwhile on the other stereo channel and a wee bitty louder I reckon, yiv got, “Hey min, dae up yer spaiver, am black affrontit.”

Noo a ken whit yer thinking. 3 minutes isnae very lang. Fit if ye’ve been caught short an nippit intae the chunty at Aldi in Macduff and sat doon fir a wee shufty at last week’s Press & Journal. Well the loons an quines at DTI hiv thocht o athin. There’s a wee altimeter built intae the spaiver so the alerts only gang aff if the spaiver is above twa fit.

Noo, wee Eckie Milne, fae Portsoy is a short fella, so that might be a wee bit o a problem, bit fir maist fowk this’ll be a life saver. Nae mair shirts (or worse) hingin oot spaivers like a raggity cloot. Thank you DTI, we salute you.