Does anyone still wear a hat!?

Noo that everyone and their strife is wearing wee docker caps again like it’s 1982, I thought I’d break out some fashion tips from my stale old jar of things bygone.

Right so here’s the way things seem to be at the moment. The crusties are still wearing oversized beanies, imagining that they’ll fill them up with dreadlocks, but feeling uncomfortable with that notion in a way they can’t quite put their finger on cultural appropriation .

Meanwhile the rest are wearing tiny docker caps, running around looking like they’ve just landed in a Norwegian Fjord and are ready to plant some explosives on a U-boat and skeddadle. There’s a shark fast approahcing them and it looks like it’s gonna jump. Splosh.

Fashion forward

So how do you stay ahead in the 2026 hat game in? Berets. Hear me out … Backwards berets to be precise and jaunty Kangol caps.

How do I know? With everyone buying docker caps, beret prices have collapsed. This means you can buy them all up now and start an Etsy shop for when the revival comes. And believe me it’s coming. Don’t believe me, just ask Ben Volpeliere-Pierrot.

If making a bob or two off ma fashion tips isnae yer cup o tea then you can always get crafty and make yer own bunnet.

Look, I made a hat / Where there never was a hat.