Escaped golfer apprehended after struggle with a mobility scooter

Shocked residents of Summerhill were today supporting each other after terrified residents we forced to hide behind curtains awaiting the arrival of the SSPCA’s Golf Division.

The incident began on Sunday morning when a hole was spotted in the fence of the Dumfries and Galloway Golfer Containment Facility on Golf Avenue, Summerhill. Shortly after, screams were heard and a garishly clad man in his thirties that looked like he was in his fifties was seen wandering aimlessly towards the community centre swinging a 5 iron.

The situation reached boiling point as 2 further holes were discovered in the fence and a general warning to stay indoors was issued by the Police. Batons drawn, they scoured the streets looking for poorly camouflaged men.

The incident was finally brought to a close when the golfer was trapped under Sandy’s mobility scooter on Ellisland Drive. The escaped golfer had mistaken the scooter for a golf cart and was stalking it up the hill. However as Sandy crested the hill, he ran out of battery power and began to roll back down the hill, trapping the golfer underneath his Aldi shopping bag. Sandy gave the poor beast a whack with his single crutch for good measure.

A further sweep of the area ascertained that there were no other escaped golfers involved in the incident and that the additional holes in the fence had been caused by the golfer trying to get back into the containment facility.

Local resident, Pat Yersel, told the Doonhamer, “I don’t mind them taking up all that really useful, productive land, but when they break out and start wondering around in their ethnic clothing, waving their traditional clubs then that’s a step too far. There are kids playing roon here.” Over on Castle Douglas Road, a resident called Ian who didn’t want to be named said, “We don’t even have a fence on this side, they just cross the road whenever they want. I hear some of them come from other countries and it’s just like a holiday to them.”

There we have it folks. The growing number of golfers in our society continues to be contentious and divides communities.

Sandy, who wishes to remain anonymous, would like us to pass on that he doesn’t need the crutch he just keeps it handy in case he meets any fine, but unstable women.

If you have been affected by the issues touched upon in the article or if you know or are a golfer and would like to speak to someone in confidence, call 0800 555 LAWNS