Let there be light
By The Hamester · DUMFRIES, 30th January 2026
Dear Doonhamers, have you heard of electricity? Have you tried it yet?
Well whether you’re a keen user of electricity or just electro-curious, the power of electricity was unavoidable to most Doonhamers today. At specifically approximately 12.45 today the lights went out and the town fell into a state of pandemonium.
Traffic lights went out - although it seemed to make no difference - fridges fell silent and cafe staff looked at each other with “WTF now” looks on their faces.
During the specifically approximately 42 minute outage, OAPs were seen forming long, shuffling conga lines chanting, “Soup and a toastie, please. Soup and a sangwij.” Microwaves, panini flatteners and coffee machines ground to a halt. Kettle lights dimmed and one auld boy had to be rescued from a very dark toilet.
This zombie like state is thought to have been induced by the lack of extra hot coffees, a staple of the OAP.
Then a triumphant cry rose from those that couldn’t be arsed to go outside and get lunch elsewhere. “I’ll just have a scone please. Oh, I’ll have a scone too, please.” Staff swung back into action delivering cold scones and tray bake to all remaining customers.
The Doonhamer contacted SPEN for comment, but a spokesperson gave a rather cagey statement, unwilling to pinpoint the cause of the fault. This leads us to think it’s yet another round in the underground war in Big Scone’s, “War on Proper Food.”
More soon as this story develops.