Bum crack burka bonanza
By The Hamester · DUMFRIES, 13th April 2026
In a surprise move, party of the working man, Reform Ltd (did I get that the right way round?), have put forward a policy that is upsetting practically all of their members except someone called, Clive.
As members have no say in how the party is run there’s nothing they can do about it. During renovation works at his home, former Baron Offord of Garvel, leader of the dangly Scottish bits of Reform, was shocked by the overheard conversation of the workmen who spoke fondly of their desire to eat the rich although they would happily settle for an end to zero-hours contacts if that was on the table. That would offer a more predictable family household income … I digress.
The final straw came when Malcolm “Ayatollah” Offord as he likes to be known, swanned into his living room still wearing his ermines and was greeted with a row of bent over workmen installing his new skirting board. The multi-crack bumstravaganza was too much for him to bear (bare :-)) in his own home. He turned to leave and was further affronted by a great muffin top flopping over the jeans of the woman on a ladder installing his new chandelier.
A policy is born
In a flash the new policy came to him and he called his old pal Nige. “Nige old bean, the Muslamics have got a point you know. How about this for some popular policies?”
Burkas for builders’ bums.
Hijabs for heating engineers pipe cracks.
Modesty flaps for all the exposed bits and pieces of working class people.
Official reaction
In a quote from Ayatollah Offord he said, “One hears about this kind of thing, but I never encountered it in The House Of Lords. As a party we have councillors from all walks of life, including prison. Actually they’re mostly in prison. But it’s all good life experience.”
In a more candid moment ‘off the record’, but I don’t know what that means so I’ll publish it here and see if anyone can explain, Ayatollah Offard went on, “You know, we’ve had a really tough few weeks here on the far-right. Usually we just do whatever, Putin, Trump or Orbàn want us to do. It is quite a cushy number. But now Trump is bombing the Iranians who are pals with Putin. Putin is supplying the Iranians with SAMs to shoot down US aircraft. And don’t talk to me about Orbàn; we’ve no room on our ship for losers. Sometimes I wish I’d stuck with the Tories.”
Thoughts and prayers, Malcolm, thoughts and prayers.