Humour
Ayeman Toofaan - In conversation with
- 04 Dec, 2025
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
A dinnae get it, ya'ani. So yer tellin me that every year, roon aboot the same time, this river floods aw the road an shops an hooses. It even gans up the vennel a bit. An this happens every year?...
read moreShining a light on the big lights switch-on
- 15 Nov, 2025
- Boaby REDACTED.
- Life On The Run
Awwwwwww nawwwwwwwwww. I’ve hud tae flit again. All I did wis post a TikTok in front of the Mid Steeple at the big Christmas light switch on saying, “I can’t believe I live just opposite here in the...
read moreGies a fiver
- 12 Nov, 2025
- Bill Da Fyre.
- Jumblified Ancients Of Morrisons
-- Bill! Bill! Haud oan a minute. -- Whit? -- Can ye lend me a fiver, pal? -- Naw. Naw a cannae. —- Aww, come oan. I’ll gie yit back the morra. -- It’s not that Gladys. Ah cannae. I've nae money. --...
read moreDamn you Val, give up this feud!.
- 04 Nov, 2025
- Boaby REDACTED.
- Life On The Run
Awwwwwww nawwwwwwwwww. I’ve hud tae flit again. All I did wis post a reel saying that I’m really looking forward tae the match between Raith Rovers and Queen of the South at Palmerston, at 6pm this...
read moreDubai chocolate basque cheesecake debacle.
- 28 Oct, 2025
- Boaby REDACTED.
- Life On The Run
Awwwwwww nawwwwwwwwww. I’ve hud tae flit again. All I did wis post a photo of my Dubai chocolate basque cheesecake next to a letter with my address on it!
read moreHow's your muffin buttered?
- 21 Oct, 2025
- Dr. Lois Capalaillie, RCPE
- Singing Doctor
~ Hello Hamester, do come in. What embarrassing ailments are we looking at today? ~ Well doctor, it's my .. ~ Just a minute. I need you to sit over there on the chaise longue. ~ Over there? ~ Yup....
read moreBBC journalist hospitalised
- 13 Oct, 2025
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
An unnamed BBC journalist (Barney Toner) was found exhausted, pacing around Cresswell repeating the phrase, "You don’t expect it to happen in a place like this. He was a quiet man, kept himself to...
read moreChristmas Appeal 2025
- 01 Oct, 2025
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
We've aw seen it an look't awa; airtists that hing their works aw skewwhiff. It's a miserable sicht. At this time of year, please spare a thought fir aw they angularlly challenged paintings o birdies...
read moreOver regular
- 30 Aug, 2024
- The Hamester
- Rattle Bag
You sell bags. I bought one from you. Now you email me every two weeks. About bags. I've got one. You sold it to me. Seriously. You know that. If anyone knows about the bags I have, it's you.
read moreRemembering, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'
- 29 Aug, 2024
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of cult Gallovidian album, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'. The breakthrough album was the first of many that brought Galwegian crooning to the...
read moreHealth and safety
- 12 Aug, 2024
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
In a recent session of Full Council chaired by Councillor Max High, Dumfries & Galloway set forward a plan to ban all walking and cycling on safety grounds. A transcript of said meeting...
read moreMystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos
- 12 Jan, 2024
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La...
read moreA new slogan for Dumfries
- 17 Dec, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the...
read moreUglied up
- 25 Nov, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A...
read moreSplatGPT. One wee step for gull-kind
- 21 Nov, 2023
- Jonathan Lincluden Seagull
- Mind Droppings
We've been trying out the latest version of SplatGPT and it is superb. After a hard day raiding Iceland and nicking chips off numpties I often fly to the top of a building and put out a long call to...
read moreBREAKING: Roads News
- 10 Nov, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A...
read moreDon't skip the sunscreen
- 20 Sep, 2023
- Loose Bae
- Misconnections
Skipping man, O skipping man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin...
read moreNew flood protection scheme announced
- 30 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department...
read moreNew secret audio archive uncovered
- 30 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries...
read moreWe're Doonhamers
- 30 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
[With sincere apologies to Paul Whitehouse and the Fast Show team for a bad rendition of their "Cockneys"] Hiyaaaaaaa. We're Doonhamers. Born in the sound of Greyfriars, I mean, Western Orthodox...
read moreLetters: July 2023
- 23 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I...
read moreOde tae cycling on the low road
The braes aroon Shambellie are Sae steep they mak ye cower But I'd rather hae a heart attack Than some daft lad run me ower On the A710.
read moreBefore I sputter out
- 23 Jul, 2023
- Dr. Lois Capalaillie, RCPE
- Singing Doctor
Hello Mr Hamester and what can I help you with today? Lumbago I'll wager? Life is hard And so am I You'd better give me something So I don't die Novocaine For the soul Before I sputter out...
read moreLateral flow
- 20 Jul, 2023
- The Archies
- Life According to Archies
Archie: Whit's that y've got there, A? The ither Archie: It's a box o they lateral flow tests fir the COVID. Archie: Aw ah thought y'd got me a box o Thorntons fir ma Christmas. Ye'v no got the COVID...
read moreAff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals
- 18 Jul, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam. In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch...
read moreDinnae skip the sunscreen
- 07 Jul, 2023
- The Hamester
- Misconnections
Skipping man, O skipping man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin...
read moreShop guardians
- 21 Mar, 2023
- The Archies
- Life According to Archies
Archie: I wis up the toon wi Sandra the ither day cus oor Gillian's youngest, the arty farty yin, has stairted selling stuff in wan oh thay new shops in toon. The ither Archie: Oh aye, yiv got tae go...
read moreKeepin it weird
- 21 Mar, 2023
- Loose Bae
- Misconnections
I saw you on the Sands; our eyes connected. You in your purple and aqua tracksuit break-dancing for Jesus, me heading to Crazy Cuts to post something for eBay - BTW why is there no proper post office...
read moreThe flanêur
- 19 Mar, 2023
- A.Y. Watt
- From Our Doric Correspondent
So a bump't in tae this fella doon the harbor an a strikes up a wee conversation cus am aywis on the look out fur a story. An we're gabbain awa an a asks him, "Fit d'y'dae?" An he says, "Am a...
read moreBusiness coaching
- 17 Mar, 2023
- A.Y. Watt
- From Our Doric Correspondent
A've hud tae pit the observational standup idea oan the backburner for the noo as nane o the trawler boys could agree on whit tae pit in the softies and fa wis gonna pay fir the petrol. But something...
read moreDifferential calculus
- 16 Mar, 2023
- A.Y. Watt
- From Our Doric Correspondent
Oor Zander's back fae uni this week and his mither's aside hersel. Y'd think Dundee wis oan the sooth coast and ye needed a passport tae get there. Onywy am affa made up masel if am honest. It's his...
read moreSad news
- 09 Feb, 2023
- A.Y. Watt
- From Our Doric Correspondent
Ave affa sad news the day. So I'll keep it short as am nae masel. Ma miniature Speyside Collie, Harrison Ford II, has passed on tae the muckle dog park abeen. Dinna get me wrang, he'd a rare life...
read more