humour

Bum crack burka bonanza

13 Apr, 2026
The Hamester
Hame Truths

In a surprise move, party of the working man, Reform Ltd (did I get that the right way round?), have put forward a policy that is upsetting practically all of their members except someone called, Clive. As members have no say in how the...

God moves in 126 mysterious ways

According to the recently released Town Board report, when it comes to religion 126% of Doonhamers think something or other. Now that's a very thorough reporting methodology. As The Doonhamer's spirituality correspondent and the main man...

Read to the end, there is a joke. Promise

28 Mar, 2026
Chegwin Bronsmore
Potholes Are Just Friends You Haven't Met Yet

So I was on the 501 from Castle Douglas to Dumfries on Saturday, a pleasant enough trip with what felt like an unnecessary deviation via Dalbeattie. Is there ever a good reason to go to Dalbeattie? Anyway, I digress. The bus was quite busy...

New time check service

09 Mar, 2026
Harry Lodge
Hear Me Oot

Ever since the great chippy disaster of 2032 when the Midsteeple slid down over the plainstanes, leaving some less than plain stains, and crashing into New Look with disastrous consequences, Doonhamers have been struggling to know the...

Does anyone still wear a hat!?

09 Feb, 2026
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Noo that everyone and their strife is wearing wee docker caps again like it's 1982, I thought I'd break out some fashion tips from my stale old jar of things bygone. Right so here's the way things seem to be at the moment. The crusties are...

Another day, another cannabis farm

04 Feb, 2026
Ivy Prophen
Hame Truths

Another cannabis farm worth about £1 million was found by police in Dumfries making this about the 3rd or 4th in as many years. This time the stash was on the Vennel and it's clear now that doing up abandoned buildings is a growth...

Doric Techno Spaiver

I promised tae keep yis in the loop aboot developments at the Doric Technology Institute. Weel ah've a wee bitty news, but ah must confess, I feel like that loon that hid tae rin awa tae Russia fir leakin a that tap secret info. Fit's his...

Let there be light

30 Jan, 2026
The Hamester
Scone Watch

Dear Doonhamers, have you heard of electricity? Have you tried it yet? Well whether you're a keen user of electricity or just electro-curious, the power of electricity was unavoidable to most Doonhamers today. At specifically approximately...

Hustlers and fiddlers

20 Jan, 2026
The Hamester
Rattle Bag

Reading the dictionary the other day - as you do - I came across a phrase that was new to me. "Bunnet Hustler" According to the Collins Dictionary, and I'm simplifying here ... a Bunnet Hustler is a middle class person that regularly...

Behold, the Doric Ring doorbell

Fit like, Doonhamers? It's been a wee filey, but I'm back wi a short series of tech articles aboot a recent boost tae the Doric Technology Institute (DTI). Noo as ye kin probably mind, I've bin daein a wee bit consulting at the DTI (Gamrie...

Escaped golfer apprehended after struggle with a mobility scooter

10 Dec, 2025
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Shocked residents of Summerhill were today supporting each other after terrified residents we forced to hide behind curtains awaiting the arrival of the SSPCA's Golf Division. The incident began on Sunday morning when a hole was spotted in...

Ayeman Toofaan - In conversation with

04 Dec, 2025
The Hamester
Hame Truths

A dinnae get it, ya'ani. So yer tellin me that every year, roon aboot the same time, this river floods aw the road an shops an hooses. It even gans up the vennel a bit. An this happens every year? See back in Idlib where am fae originally,...

Shining a light on the big lights switch-on

Awwwwwww nawwwwwwwwww. I’ve hud tae flit again. All I did wis post a TikTok in front of the Mid Steeple at the big Christmas light switch on saying, “I can’t believe I live just opposite here in the flats on the 3rd floor.” Call it off...

Gies a fiver

-- Bill! Bill! Haud oan a minute. -- Whit? -- Can ye lend me a fiver, pal? -- Naw. Naw a cannae. —- Aww, come oan. I’ll gie yit back the morra. -- It’s not that Gladys. Ah cannae. I've nae money. -- Whit? Are ye sheer Bill, it’s jeest a...

Damn you Val, give up this feud!.

Awwwwwww nawwwwwwwwww. I’ve hud tae flit again. All I did wis post a reel saying that I’m really looking forward tae the match between Raith Rovers and Queen of the South at Palmerston, at 6pm this Wednesday. Damn you McDermid, give up...

Dubai chocolate basque cheesecake debacle.

Awwwwwww nawwwwwwwwww. I’ve hud tae flit again. All I did wis post a photo of my Dubai chocolate basque cheesecake next to a letter with my address on it!

How's your muffin buttered?

~ Hello Hamester, do come in. What embarrassing ailments are we looking at today? ~ Well doctor, it's my .. ~ Just a minute. I need you to sit over there on the chaise longue. ~ Over there? ~ Yup. Over there. On the chaise longue, on the...

BBC journalist hospitalised

13 Oct, 2025
The Hamester
Hame Truths

An unnamed BBC journalist (Barney Toner) was found exhausted, pacing around Cresswell repeating the phrase, "You don’t expect it to happen in a place like this. He was a quiet man, kept himself to himself". He was hospitalised, but later...

Christmas Appeal 2025

01 Oct, 2025
The Hamester
Hame Truths

We've aw seen it an look't awa; airtists that hing their works aw skewwhiff. It's a miserable sicht. At this time of year, please spare a thought fir aw they angularlly challenged paintings o birdies n leaves n coos hinging in aw the wee...

Ode tae cycling on the low road

11 Aug, 2025
Chegwin Bronsmore
Potholes Are Just Friends You Haven't Met Yet

The braes aroon Shambellie are Sae steep they mak ye cower But I'd rather hae a heart attack Than some daft lad run me ower On the A710.

Don't skip the sunscreen

19 Sep, 2024
Heath Hall
Misconnections

Skipping Man, O Skipping Man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, Or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin care tips aren't Just for foreign...

Over regular

30 Aug, 2024
The Hamester
Rattle Bag

You sell bags. I bought one from you. Now you email me every two weeks. About bags. I've got one. You sold it to me. Seriously. You know that. If anyone knows about the bags I have, it's you.

Remembering, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'

29 Aug, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of cult Gallovidian album, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'. The breakthrough album was the first of many that brought Galwegian crooning to the attention of the world. Although not from...

Health and safety

12 Aug, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

In a recent session of Full Council chaired by Councillor Max High, Dumfries & Galloway set forward a plan to ban all walking and cycling on safety grounds. A transcript of said meeting follows. "Friends, Doonhamers, folk frae the hills...

We're Doonhamers

14 May, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

[With sincere apologies to Paul Whitehouse and the Fast Show team for a bad rendition of their "Cockneys"] Hiyaaaaaaa. We're Doonhamers. Born in the sound of Greyfriars, I mean, Western Orthodox Cathedral bells. That's right, we're Castle...

The odd tale of Ben D Wullie

Aw man, uv been meanin tae tell ye aw about whit haipint t’me thitherday. Uv been on a 50 year trip ... ah'd been hallucinating oan this slice o Slimcea and cold meat wi the funny face on it. Ah woke up by the fountain. It's been...

Mystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos

12 Jan, 2024
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La Isla Bonita" in broken Spanish. The...

A new slogan for Dumfries

17 Dec, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the rather lame appearance of hundreds of...

Uglied up

25 Nov, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A wee bit ordinary ye might say. That's...

SplatGPT. One wee step for gull-kind

We've been trying out the latest version of SplatGPT and it is superb. After a hard day raiding Iceland and nicking chips off numpties I often fly to the top of a building and put out a long call to my cousin, Steven Seagull, to see what...

BREAKING: Roads News

10 Nov, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A spokesperson for the department said they...

New flood protection scheme announced

30 Aug, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the...

New secret audio archive uncovered

30 Aug, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries the council had launched an innovative...

Letters: July 2023

23 Aug, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I don't recall ever writing such a story,...

Recipe - Sugar free tablet

23 Aug, 2023
Marsha Stew
Aw Gad Naw

...

Before I sputter out

Hello Mr Hamester and what can I help you with today? Lumbago I'll wager? Life is hard And so am I You'd better give me something So I don't die Novocaine For the soul Before I sputter out Before I sputter out Life is white And I...

Lateral flow

Archie: Whit's that y've got there, A? The ither Archie: It's a box o they lateral flow tests fir the COVID. Archie: Aw ah thought y'd got me a box o Thorntons fir ma Christmas. Ye'v no got the COVID huv ye? Ither Archie: Naw, naw. There...

Aff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals

18 Jul, 2023
The Hamester
Hame Truths

WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam. In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch once again was able to add an international...

Dinnae skip the sunscreen

Skipping man, O skipping man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin care tips aren't just for foreign...

Shop guardians

Archie: I wis up the toon wi Sandra the ither day cus oor Gillian's youngest, the arty farty yin, has stairted selling stuff in wan oh thay new shops in toon. The ither Archie: Oh aye, yiv got tae go up toon wi the missus noo and again huv...

Keepin it weird

21 Mar, 2023
Loose Bae
Misconnections

I saw you on the Sands; our eyes connected. You in your purple and aqua tracksuit break-dancing for Jesus, me heading to Crazy Cuts to post something for eBay - BTW why is there no proper post office in Dumfries town centre. I was pleased...

Humour