The Doonhamer

Beware of cynicism dressed up as wisdom

Vol. III · Est. 2023 · Price: 5½p where sold

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The Hamester

The Hamester

Eternal optimist. Let’s try and find out what happens.

Bum crack burka bonanza

In a surprise move, party of the working man, Reform Ltd (did I get that the right way round?), have put forward a policy that is upsetting practically all of their members except someone called, Clive. As members have no say in how the...

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Does anyone still wear a hat!?

Noo that everyone and their strife is wearing wee docker caps again like it's 1982, I thought I'd break out some fashion tips from my stale old jar of things bygone. Right so here's the way things seem to be at the moment. The crusties are...

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Let there be light

Dear Doonhamers, have you heard of electricity? Have you tried it yet? Well whether you're a keen user of electricity or just electro-curious, the power of electricity was unavoidable to most Doonhamers today. At specifically approximately...

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Hustlers and fiddlers

Reading the dictionary the other day - as you do - I came across a phrase that was new to me. "Bunnet Hustler" According to the Collins Dictionary, and I'm simplifying here ... a Bunnet Hustler is a middle class person that regularly...

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Escaped golfer apprehended after struggle with a mobility scooter

Shocked residents of Summerhill were today supporting each other after terrified residents we forced to hide behind curtains awaiting the arrival of the SSPCA's Golf Division. The incident began on Sunday morning when a hole was spotted in...

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Ayeman Toofaan - In conversation with

A dinnae get it, ya'ani. So yer tellin me that every year, roon aboot the same time, this river floods aw the road an shops an hooses. It even gans up the vennel a bit. An this happens every year? See back in Idlib where am fae originally,...

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BBC journalist hospitalised

An unnamed BBC journalist (Barney Toner) was found exhausted, pacing around Cresswell repeating the phrase, "You don’t expect it to happen in a place like this. He was a quiet man, kept himself to himself". He was hospitalised, but later...

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Christmas Appeal 2025

We've aw seen it an look't awa; airtists that hing their works aw skewwhiff. It's a miserable sicht. At this time of year, please spare a thought fir aw they angularlly challenged paintings o birdies n leaves n coos hinging in aw the wee...

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Over regular

You sell bags. I bought one from you. Now you email me every two weeks. About bags. I've got one. You sold it to me. Seriously. You know that. If anyone knows about the bags I have, it's you.

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Remembering, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'

This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of cult Gallovidian album, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'. The breakthrough album was the first of many that brought Galwegian crooning to the attention of the world. Although not from...

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Health and safety

In a recent session of Full Council chaired by Councillor Max High, Dumfries & Galloway set forward a plan to ban all walking and cycling on safety grounds. A transcript of said meeting follows. "Friends, Doonhamers, folk frae the hills...

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We're Doonhamers

[With sincere apologies to Paul Whitehouse and the Fast Show team for a bad rendition of their "Cockneys"] Hiyaaaaaaa. We're Doonhamers. Born in the sound of Greyfriars, I mean, Western Orthodox Cathedral bells. That's right, we're Castle...

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The die is cast on the game board

Well that's it. The die has been cast. Public nominations for the Chair of the new Dumfries Town Board closed at 5pm yesterday and the full council will ruminate over who shall be appointed, making their final decision known on February...

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Mystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos

Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La Isla Bonita" in broken Spanish. The...

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A new slogan for Dumfries

Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the rather lame appearance of hundreds of...

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Uglied up

-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A wee bit ordinary ye might say. That's...

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BREAKING: Roads News

Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A spokesperson for the department said they...

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Path, interrupted

I wish this one was a joke. In their haste to add more EV chargers in Brooms Road car park, ChargePlace Scotland has obliterated what was a safe, accessible, walking and wheeling route through the car park. For many people it's a...

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New flood protection scheme announced

Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the...

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New secret audio archive uncovered

On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries the council had launched an innovative...

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Letters: July 2023

Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I don't recall ever writing such a story,...

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Aff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals

WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam. In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch once again was able to add an international...

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Dinnae skip the sunscreen

Skipping man, O skipping man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin care tips aren't just for foreign...

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