Another day, another cannabis farm

Another cannabis farm worth about £1 million was found by police in Dumfries making this about the 3rd or 4th in as many years. This time the stash was on the Vennel and it’s clear now that doing up abandoned buildings is a growth industry. Police became suspicious when 2 pink elephants and a cloud that looked just like a rabbit were seen floating over the Vennel on Monday.

Cllr. Mabie Later, Chair of the Committee on Bits n Bobs, was one of the first on the scene with the Police and told us, “It was pandemonium at first, but things quickly calmed doon and people soon began to open their minds to a new kind of way of seeing the Vennel. Then we had tae run up the road tae the sweetie shop cos we were starving.”

Rumour has it that the next full council meeting will propose an emergency motion to declare Dumfries and independent republic where cannabis is legal and 8 key abandoned, rotten old buildings in the centre of town will be turned into cannabis farms each with it’s own soft play activity area and nursery. So impressed have the council been at the ability and entrepreneurship of illicit cannabis farmers to make a pretty penny or two that they are making it the foundation of their budget for 2026/27.

Spokesperson for South of Starship Enterprise, Mal McStooshie, said that they’d, “Be willing to put in a few bob, for a decent cut of the profits.” Meanwhile Tourism Tsar (that is their name) remarked that even if the business model doesn’t work out we’ve got enough former cannabis farms for a tourism trail. Recent reports have shown that stoner tourism is mushrooming.

Cllr. Moira Crivens, Acting Depute-Stand-in for the Committee of Acting Deputes commented, “Why not? Let’s try a new approach. We’ve got the plants, now we just need the leccy.”

It’s a bold new initiative, but I hope that something solid comes of this daring move, rather than it all just going up in a puff of smoke in an archivists drawer.