The Doonhamer

Beware of cynicism dressed up as wisdom

Vol. III · Est. 2023 · Price: 5½p where sold

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Elsewhere in The Doonhamer

A new slogan for Dumfries

Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the rather lame appearance of hundreds of...

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Aff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals

WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam. In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch once again was able to add an international...

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Another day, another cannabis farm

Another cannabis farm worth about £1 million was found by police in Dumfries making this about the 3rd or 4th in as many years. This time the stash was on the Vennel and it's clear now that doing up abandoned buildings is a growth...

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Ayeman Toofaan - In conversation with

A dinnae get it, ya'ani. So yer tellin me that every year, roon aboot the same time, this river floods aw the road an shops an hooses. It even gans up the vennel a bit. An this happens every year? See back in Idlib where am fae originally,...

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Before I sputter out

Hello Mr Hamester and what can I help you with today? Lumbago I'll wager? Life is hard And so am I You'd better give me something So I don't die Novocaine For the soul Before I sputter out Before I sputter out Life is white And I...

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BREAKING: Roads News

Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A spokesperson for the department said they...

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Christmas Appeal 2025

We've aw seen it an look't awa; airtists that hing their works aw skewwhiff. It's a miserable sicht. At this time of year, please spare a thought fir aw they angularlly challenged paintings o birdies n leaves n coos hinging in aw the wee...

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Does anyone still wear a hat!?

Noo that everyone and their strife is wearing wee docker caps again like it's 1982, I thought I'd break out some fashion tips from my stale old jar of things bygone. Right so here's the way things seem to be at the moment. The crusties are...

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Don't skip the sunscreen

Skipping Man, O Skipping Man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, Or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin care tips aren't Just for foreign...

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Health and safety

In a recent session of Full Council chaired by Councillor Max High, Dumfries & Galloway set forward a plan to ban all walking and cycling on safety grounds. A transcript of said meeting follows. "Friends, Doonhamers, folk frae the hills...

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How's your muffin buttered?

~ Hello Hamester, do come in. What embarrassing ailments are we looking at today? ~ Well doctor, it's my .. ~ Just a minute. I need you to sit over there on the chaise longue. ~ Over there? ~ Yup. Over there. On the chaise longue, on the...

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Letters: July 2023

Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I don't recall ever writing such a story,...

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Keepin it weird

I saw you on the Sands; our eyes connected. You in your purple and aqua tracksuit break-dancing for Jesus, me heading to Crazy Cuts to post something for eBay - BTW why is there no proper post office in Dumfries town centre. I was pleased...

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Lateral flow

Archie: Whit's that y've got there, A? The ither Archie: It's a box o they lateral flow tests fir the COVID. Archie: Aw ah thought y'd got me a box o Thorntons fir ma Christmas. Ye'v no got the COVID huv ye? Ither Archie: Naw, naw. There...

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Mystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos

Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La Isla Bonita" in broken Spanish. The...

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New flood protection scheme announced

Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the...

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New secret audio archive uncovered

On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries the council had launched an innovative...

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Ode tae cycling on the low road

The braes aroon Shambellie are Sae steep they mak ye cower But I'd rather hae a heart attack Than some daft lad run me ower On the A710.

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Over regular

You sell bags. I bought one from you. Now you email me every two weeks. About bags. I've got one. You sold it to me. Seriously. You know that. If anyone knows about the bags I have, it's you.

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Remembering, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'

This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of cult Gallovidian album, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'. The breakthrough album was the first of many that brought Galwegian crooning to the attention of the world. Although not from...

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Sad news

Ave affa sad news the day. So I'll keep it short as am nae masel. Ma miniature Speyside Collie, Harrison Ford II, has passed on tae the muckle dog park abeen. Dinna get me wrang, he'd a rare life dingin aboot the cliffs and the fairy dell,...

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Shop guardians

Archie: I wis up the toon wi Sandra the ither day cus oor Gillian's youngest, the arty farty yin, has stairted selling stuff in wan oh thay new shops in toon. The ither Archie: Oh aye, yiv got tae go up toon wi the missus noo and again huv...

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SplatGPT. One wee step for gull-kind

We've been trying out the latest version of SplatGPT and it is superb. After a hard day raiding Iceland and nicking chips off numpties I often fly to the top of a building and put out a long call to my cousin, Steven Seagull, to see what...

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The odd tale of Ben D Wullie

The odd tale of Ben D Wullie

Aw man, uv been meanin tae tell ye aw about whit haipint t’me thitherday. Uv been on a 50 year trip ... ah'd been hallucinating oan this slice o Slimcea and cold meat wi the funny face on it. Ah woke up by the fountain. It's been...

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Uglied up

-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A wee bit ordinary ye might say. That's...

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We're Doonhamers

[With sincere apologies to Paul Whitehouse and the Fast Show team for a bad rendition of their "Cockneys"] Hiyaaaaaaa. We're Doonhamers. Born in the sound of Greyfriars, I mean, Western Orthodox Cathedral bells. That's right, we're Castle...

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