BBC journalist hospitalised

An unnamed BBC journalist (Barney Toner) was found exhausted, pacing around Cresswell repeating the phrase, “You don’t expect it to happen in a place like this. He was a quiet man, kept himself to himself”. He was hospitalised, but later discharged.

The incident happened after the recent budgie massacre allegedly perpetrated by local resident, Kenny Gingangooly. Gingangooly will appear in court tomorrow accused of entering more than 40 homes in Creswell and killing any budgies he encountered.

The unfortunate journalist had gone to the scene in the hope of getting some quotes from witnesses, but had spent more than 9 hours interviewing people trying to get some fluffy quotes and footage of pensioners switching on the kettle and unsteadily making a cup of tea.

Rather than wholesome quotes along the lines of “He was a quiet man. You don’t expect this kind of thing to happen here. It’s a very quiet neighbourhood.” Instead he was met with people who insisted that Kenny was as mad as a box of frogs and that Gingangooly had been wandering the streets for years, shouting, “I’ll kill the f***in lot o ye.”

Neighbour, Arthur Pint, confided, “Oh aye, as soon as we heard aboot the budgie massacre, like, we kent it wis probably Kenny. He’s fruit loop, like.”

Mable McFable, a local CB radio enthusiast was on the roof of her shed adjusting her 12ft ariel when we caught up with her, “I’ve been monitoring and tracking that basket’s movements for months and as soon as we heard the first squawks I got on the CB and the street’s WhatsApp group lit up wi folks saying, ‘Kenny’s on the rampage, Kenny’s on the rampage’.”