Council to build another river island

Plans were unveiled this week for a new river island in Dumfries. The island will be smaller than Isle-de-Caul, but will have better internet and will meet some Passiv Haus standards.

When asked for comment, Cllr Mabie Later, chair of the General Mayhem Committee (GMC) said, “At first I was quite excited because I need some new scarves and gansies, but I soon realised that the proposal was for an island in the river rather than a new River Island. I’m obviously not qualified to comment on matters aquatic, but I will anyway. It’ll be pandemonium. No further comment.”

It is thought that the new island will be made of leftover chuckies from the recent spate of road resurfacings. Asked when the new island will be built, an unnamed spokesperson for the Council, Amon Fyre said, “We’ll probably just wait til it’s dark and nobody is looking and we’ll tip the leftover chuckies in the river by Rosefield Mills.”

That’ll be handy for all the people that go to Rosefield Mills every day and have no easy way of getting across the river except the St Michael’s and KM footbridge, remarked one cheery resident.

Otter Weekly also reacted favourably to the news if the new island. Said one, “It’s just what we need here. I’ve got 3 pups and having the new island so close to Dockpark and The Hut means we can just nip over and get icecream to cool off during peak mating season. I’ve more pups on the way so it’s great to see this investment in shelter and new territory. Just so long as those bloody herons don’t move in on day one. There’s only so much lamprey to go round.”