New flood protection scheme announced

Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park.

After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the RAF has been called into help with the flood protection scheme. At 2pm on Sunday spectators on the Mill Green and anyone with working ears will be treated to a flypast by the RAF. Bring a flag. There will be face painting activities for the kiddies.

Incidentally the RAF pilots will drop several tonnes of heavy ordnance on the Whitesands in order to create a 1.2km long ditch from Buccleuch Street bridge to the crazy golf in Dock Park. This will form a bund along the river and get the job done.

Retailers on the Whitesands will be given plenty of notice of the event and will be handed a leaflet at 10.30pm on Saturday night advising them to board up their windows to avoid becoming part of the collateral damage.

What about the money?

The leader of the council hailed this as a great solution saying it would, “deliver leading flood defence protection scheme facilities for all the community along side deep cost savings over the original proposal of £24M. This MoD enabled plan is clean, quick and fun for all the family and above all only costs £7M, 80% of which will be paid for by the Scottish Government, but we’ll claim all the glory.”

When pressed further on the matter of budget savings the Chair of the Procurement Committee said,“The bulk of the the budget is made up of weaponary as they RAF are throwing in the pilots and aircraft for free. They’ll be using 2 x Storm Shadows at a cost of £2.54 million each. The remaining £2 million is made up of GBU-24s at approximately £40,000 each and aviation gas. Regrettably we were not able to find local suppliers to furnish our needs.”

When asked to comment, Wing Commander Squiffin Hill, remarked, “This is a great opportunity for the chaps. We don’t often get the chance to blow up real stuff on Blighty, I mean contribute to the community, and an empty Whitesands looks just like an airfield runway so the chaps are really looking forward to it. Hopefully local drivers will heed the signs and if any pedestrians stray on the to path, well they’re in for quite the show. Huzzah!”

Schedule of events

13:58 2 RAF Typhoons will release Storm Shadow missiles over the Solway.

13:59 8 F-35s will descend over the Solway to 80 feet and head for Dock Park.

14:00 Storm Shadows will hit the Whitesands. Upon reaching Castledykes Park, the F-35s will rapidly ascend to drop their bombs on Dock Park and the Whitesands. The F-35s are expected to ascend to 1000ft so they still get a really good view of the festivities, but don’t get their planes scratched by debris.

14:01 - 15:00 Face painting on Mill Green. Scones will be served.