Aff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals

WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam.

In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch once again was able to add an international dimension to its reporting. In an exclusive interview - a first of its kind in the scone based goods industry - we were proud to catch up with and have a wee elevenses with Huey, their lead singer.

From an early age, Huey has had a deep love of the scone and admitted that it was one of the main reasons he agreed to play at the festival. “The judgement free attitude towards scone love is one of the things that attracts me to the region as well as the f****** huge scones you have here,” said Mr Morgan.

Imagine how I felt when he opened his briefcase and took out a worn, leather-bound notebook and showed me the handwritten original lyrics to the song we now know as “Scooby Snacks”. I eagerly scanned the page and came across the line,

“Running around robbing banks all whacked off of scones and jam.”

Apparently the group settled on Scooby Snacks, because Tarantino is a scone purist and insisted on including clotted cream to the line. Without it he felt the lyrics just weren’t credible. They group and Tarantino argued long into the night and as Huey said, “Sometimes everyone has to lose a bit for the whole to win. So we dropped the scone theme and opted for Scooby Snacks instead. Hell, we even mentioned Dunkin Donuts and nobody likes their industrial shit. Brings on one of my migraines.”

Stunned by this revelation and somewhat discombobulated, I was relieved when there was a knock on the dressing room door. Mr Morgan rubbed his hands in glee, “Hopefully that’ll be my rider. Wait til you see this little beauty.” The door opened and in was wheeled a trolley of scones piled high like those Ferrero Rocher at the Ambassador’s party.

“With these scones, you really are spoiling us,” I said.

Huey just stared at me with his, “Really m***********¿” look.

“You kinda ruined the moment, but I forgive you cos I hear y’all got scone dough ice-cream here. Wanna take to your supplier?”

We made our way out to the car park, but when he saw my 2003 Toyota Corolla, he just shook his head, eyed up the other cars and said, “We’re taking that one.”

“You can’t, Huey, that’s a police car,” I blubbed, but it was too late, he was already in it. Seized with a pang of madness I jumped into the passenger seat through the open window.

“C’mon wir gaun doon tae Sadie’s fir a triple scoop in a tub,” yelled Huey with carb crazed eyes. “See, I’ve been studying your lingo m***********¡”

That evening I woke from my carb coma slumped against a snoring Huey. A dark, silhouetted figure towered over me and I heard the sound of voices crackling over a radio.

“Aye, I’ve found them. And ma car. Looks like they’ve been running aroon Nithbank aff their heids on scones n jam.”