Latest Articles · The Doonhamer

You've Got A Friend Indeed

There’s been quite the debacle across the pond in old New York. The owners of a product called, Friend, began an advertising campaign on the New York subway promoting an AI enabled pendant which you wear around your neck and it would...

BBC journalist hospitalised

An unnamed BBC journalist (Barney Toner) was found exhausted, pacing around Cresswell repeating the phrase, "You don’t expect it to happen in a place like this. He was a quiet man, kept himself to himself". He was hospitalised, but later...

Christmas Appeal 2025

We've aw seen it an look't awa; airtists that hing their works aw skewwhiff. It's a miserable sicht. At this time of year, please spare a thought fir aw they angularlly challenged paintings o birdies n leaves n coos hinging in aw the wee...

Ode tae cycling on the low road

11 Aug, 2025
Chegwin Bronsmore
Potholes Are Just Friends You Haven't Met Yet

The braes aroon Shambellie are Sae steep they mak ye cower But I'd rather hae a heart attack Than some daft lad run me ower On the A710.

Dinnae skip the sunscreen

Skipping Man, O Skipping Man Do you know you have a fan? Please don’t be so hard on yourself And cover your arms, or you’ll get more than a tan. Basal cell carcinoma, Or mibbe a wee melanoma. Skin care tips aren't Just for foreign...

Over regular

You sell bags. I bought one from you. Now you email me every two weeks. About bags. I've got one. You sold it to me. Seriously. You know that. If anyone knows about the bags I have, it's you.

Remembering, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'

This month marks the 35th anniversary of the release of cult Gallovidian album, 'Straight Ootta Beeswing'. The breakthrough album was the first of many that brought Galwegian crooning to the attention of the world. Although not from...

Health and safety

In a recent session of Full Council chaired by Councillor Max High, Dumfries & Galloway set forward a plan to ban all walking and cycling on safety grounds. A transcript of said meeting follows. "Friends, Doonhamers, folk frae the hills...

Bored of the Board already

For heavens' sakes. I had high hopes for this Town Board and already they're faltering at one of the easiest jobs in town. Resignations over governance have taken place - code for in-fighting. I remain optimistic and hope they can sort...

We're Doonhamers

[With sincere apologies to Paul Whitehouse and the Fast Show team for a bad rendition of their "Cockneys"] Hiyaaaaaaa. We're Doonhamers. Born in the sound of Greyfriars, I mean, Western Orthodox Cathedral bells. That's right, we're Castle...

The odd tale of Ben D Wullie

Aw man, uv been meanin tae tell ye aw about whit haipint t’me thitherday. Uv been on a 50 year trip ... ah'd been hallucinating oan this slice o Slimcea and cold meat wi the funny face on it. Ah woke up by the fountain. It's been...

The die is cast on the game board

Well that's it. The die has been cast. Public nominations for the Chair of the new Dumfries Town Board closed at 5pm yesterday and the full council will ruminate over who shall be appointed, making their final decision known on February...

Mystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos

Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La Isla Bonita" in broken Spanish. The...

A new slogan for Dumfries

Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the rather lame appearance of hundreds of...

Uglied up

-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A wee bit ordinary ye might say. That's...