The Doonhamer

Beware of cynicism dressed up as wisdom

Vol. III · Est. 2023 · Price: 5½p where sold

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Latest Articles

Mystery Chanter Causes Cafe Chaos

Police are appealing for information about the identity of a mystery man who burst into a local town centre cafe dressed as a superhero, stood atop a table and performed Madonna's 80s hit song, "La Isla Bonita" in broken Spanish. The...

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A new slogan for Dumfries

Around the time of the UCI's arrival in Dumfries this summer some wag chalked up a slogan at the top of the Whitesands with the phrase "Seagulls make Dumfries". Presumably this was in reaction to the rather lame appearance of hundreds of...

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Uglied up

-: What's wrang wi your gub? :- You. -: Me? How? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! -: Whit? :- Yiv uglied up ma kids! Look at me, am gorgeous. Like proper gorgeous. Look at the kids. No sae gorgeous. A wee bit ordinary ye might say. That's...

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Free parking

I don't know why there's such a fuss about parking in Dumfries. There's loads of free parking in convenient places. And of course, if your bike has a stand you can park pretty much anywhere. Be considerate. Enjoy the freedom.

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SplatGPT. One wee step for gull-kind

We've been trying out the latest version of SplatGPT and it is superb. After a hard day raiding Iceland and nicking chips off numpties I often fly to the top of a building and put out a long call to my cousin, Steven Seagull, to see what...

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BREAKING: Roads News

Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A spokesperson for the department said they...

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Path, interrupted

I wish this one was a joke. In their haste to add more EV chargers in Brooms Road car park, ChargePlace Scotland has obliterated what was a safe, accessible, walking and wheeling route through the car park. For many people it's a...

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New flood protection scheme announced

Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the...

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How come we've no got a town machar?

There’s a national one, some toons have one. So how come the toon that’s internationally kent for it’s renowned poet, Robert Burns doesnae have a machar? I’m sure it must have occurred to someone with the power to sanction such a thing at...

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New secret audio archive uncovered

On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries the council had launched an innovative...

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Letters: July 2023

Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I don't recall ever writing such a story,...

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Recipe - Sugar free tablet

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What equipment do I need to start cycling?

Many people have written to the Doonhamer at our invisible address below, asking what they need to get started cycling. Here's out comprehensive breakdown. A bike A lock Lights and reflectors But what about clothing I hear you ask? Yes,...

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Before I sputter out

Hello Mr Hamester and what can I help you with today? Lumbago I'll wager? Life is hard And so am I You'd better give me something So I don't die Novocaine For the soul Before I sputter out Before I sputter out Life is white And I...

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Lateral flow

Archie: Whit's that y've got there, A? The ither Archie: It's a box o they lateral flow tests fir the COVID. Archie: Aw ah thought y'd got me a box o Thorntons fir ma Christmas. Ye'v no got the COVID huv ye? Ither Archie: Naw, naw. There...

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