Latest Articles
Free parking
I don't know why there's such a fuss about parking in Dumfries. There's loads of free parking in convenient places. And of course, if your bike has a stand you can park pretty much anywhere. Be considerate. Enjoy the freedom.
SplatGPT. One wee step for gull-kind
- 21 Nov, 2023
- Jonathan Lincluden Seagull
- Mind Droppings
We've been trying out the latest version of SplatGPT and it is superb. After a hard day raiding Iceland and nicking chips off numpties I often fly to the top of a building and put out a long call to my cousin, Steven Seagull, to see what...
BREAKING: Roads News
- 10 Nov, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Just in! It took over a week, but the Roads Department of D&G council has finally approved work to begin removing all the new tarmac that was laid during the UCI World Paracycling Championships. A spokesperson for the department said they...
Path, interrupted
- 10 Nov, 2023
- The Hamester
- Rattle Bag
I wish this one was a joke. In their haste to add more EV chargers in Brooms Road car park, ChargePlace Scotland has obliterated what was a safe, accessible, walking and wheeling route through the car park. For many people it's a...
New flood protection scheme announced
- 30 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Keen-eyed readers may have noticed the yellow road closure signs that appeared this morning on the Whitesands and, rather curiously, extend into Dock Park. After a quick call to the Roads Department I can now bring you the news that the...
How come we've no got a town machar?
- 30 Aug, 2023
- Teri Casiokola
- Letter From Amisfield
There’s a national one, some toons have one. So how come the toon that’s internationally kent for it’s renowned poet, Robert Burns doesnae have a machar? I’m sure it must have occurred to someone with the power to sanction such a thing at...
New secret audio archive uncovered
- 30 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
On this day in 1973, Richard Nixon was finally confessing to his role in the Watergate debacle and Cilla Black was unaware that she still had a lorra, lorra laughs ahead of her. Back home in Dumfries the council had launched an innovative...
Letters: July 2023
- 23 Aug, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
Dear Mr Hamester I liked your story about Peppa Pig falling down a well never to be seen again. Please write more about fictional animals meeting a long, drawn out sticky demise. Mikey J -- ED. I don't recall ever writing such a story,...
What equipment do I need to start cycling?
Many people have written to the Doonhamer at our invisible address below, asking what they need to get started cycling. Here's out comprehensive breakdown. A bike A lock Lights and reflectors But what about clothing I hear you ask? Yes,...
Before I sputter out
- 23 Jul, 2023
- Dr. Lois Capalaillie, RCPE
- Singing Doctor
Hello Mr Hamester and what can I help you with today? Lumbago I'll wager? Life is hard And so am I You'd better give me something So I don't die Novocaine For the soul Before I sputter out Before I sputter out Life is white And I...
Lateral flow
- 20 Jul, 2023
- The Archies
- Life According to Archies
Archie: Whit's that y've got there, A? The ither Archie: It's a box o they lateral flow tests fir the COVID. Archie: Aw ah thought y'd got me a box o Thorntons fir ma Christmas. Ye'v no got the COVID huv ye? Ither Archie: Naw, naw. There...
Aff ma heid wi the Fun Lovin' Criminals
- 18 Jul, 2023
- The Hamester
- Hame Truths
WARNING: Definitely contains profanity. May contain a few nuts. Excessive use of jam. In advance of the Fun Lovin’ Criminals headline appearance at the Doonhame festival this weekend, Scone Watch once again was able to add an international...
Shop guardians
- 21 Mar, 2023
- The Archies
- Life According to Archies
Archie: I wis up the toon wi Sandra the ither day cus oor Gillian's youngest, the arty farty yin, has stairted selling stuff in wan oh thay new shops in toon. The ither Archie: Oh aye, yiv got tae go up toon wi the missus noo and again huv...
Keepin it weird
- 21 Mar, 2023
- Loose Bae
- Misconnections
I saw you on the Sands; our eyes connected. You in your purple and aqua tracksuit break-dancing for Jesus, me heading to Crazy Cuts to post something for eBay - BTW why is there no proper post office in Dumfries town centre. I was pleased...